Lactose Intolerant (The L Word episode 6.06)

Welcome to The Chocolate Factory. This is your host – Jenny Wonka!

As always the question ‘What happened to Jenny’ follows closely on the heals of an L Word episode starting to air. Did she finally realize what a twat she has been and wants to make up for past mistakes and throws Max a party? A Willy Wonka kids party? Too many obvious gags to go for here. Which ones do The L Word writers chose? Of course the ‘someone had to suck on some helium and make a silly voice” one. But just for once I find that remarkably fitting – silly setting, silly voice. That Shane and Alice are the ones sucking on helium just makes it so much more fitting for me. Oh Shane what happened to you? This all reminds me of Alice’s birthday party that Bette and Tina forgot and Alice arrives at Baby Angie’s half-year-party with a little kid opening the door asking her “Are you the clown?”. So Shane, are ya?

Jenny is in hyper-commanding mode and looks mightily scary with that gigantic lollipop she is sucking on. I just want to stuff the entire thing in her big mouth, hopefully shutting it forever.

Dylan and Helena appear and make sure we understand this shock fest of Jenny’s tyranny is a baby shower for Max. I don’t really care what they’re saying as long as I see them being all lovey-dovey.

Of course Jenny has to ruin the moment, again (remember that hot Shane Carmen scene and Jenny called?!), and opens the door. Good bye lovey-dovey, welcome to Jenny’s ‘I-can’t-help-but-be-honest’ horror show. As soon as Jenny says “You guys look very happy together” we know she is going to drop a bomb. Why does she have to congratulate Dylan on passing The Test (see the previous episode recap for details)? Does her deviousness have no boundaries? Ah memory-flash, Helena already stated in a previous episode this season that “Jenny has no boundaries!”. Someone save Dylan from Jenny’s devious shroud of honesty. I knew stuffing Jenny’s mouth with that ginormous lollipop was a good idea. Too late now.

Dylan leaves as Max comes in and Helena hisses “I’m going to fucking kill your girlfriend!”. Exit Dylan and Helena, enter Max – SURPRISE! Oh and the facial parasite is back too. Urgh.

Who would have thought that Max could sink even lower? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Exactly. BUT it is possible. Poor Mom-Dad Max, you already were the laughing stock of the show, but this is really making it clear. It’s as subtle as smacking someone over the head with a frying pan.

Helena comes back to the party, totally devastated. Unfortunately too devastated to even think about killing Jenny. Maybe later (I sure hope so!). Bette, Tina and Alice can’t believe what just happened:

Alice: ” We should just grab Shane and make a run for it.”
Tina: “Maybe she didn’t mean for it to be so malicious.”
Alice: “Oh yeah. No, no, no, Jenny is not malicious.”
Bette: “No, not at all. Just completely and totally evil.”

Bette hits it right on the head and wins the basket of Willy Wonka bars, that Kit was supposed to bring (at least in my book).

Next on the game list is “Chocolate in the diaper”. How come Bette knows so much about this? Anyways, so in the game you have to smell what chocolate the shit is. Sounds like a game about the bad writing on The L Word. Mostly we feel like someone handed us a diaper and made us eat the shit. Unless Angela Robinson writes and directs – that shit is made out of pure gold (see previous episode).

Shane and Jamie do a little bonding over smoking some weed. Just don’t let crazy Jenny find out with her lollipop. Speaking of Jenny, she is crawling closer and closer and pops up like a jack in the box, not really scaring Shane in her weed smoking habits, but Jamie makes a run for it. Good choice.

Jenny seems to have learned her lesson and doesn’t give Shane a hard time for flirting with Jamie. But right after, she brings up having a present for Shane. That got me all worried right then and there.

Now it’s present time for the Mom-Dad. Kit brought rocker onesies, Bette and Tina a stroller that comes with a DVD and can do it all (probably even drive by itself, just ask Bette, she has read the manual from cover to cover) and before we can get to Jenny’s present the conversation goes to birthing, c-sections, cutting things open that just should never be cut open. Max is shocked and scared beyond belief. He might have something to contribute to that “Chocolate in the Diaper” game by now. Jenny is trying to bring the attention back to the present (pun intended) and just for once I am totally with her. Stop talking about cutting things open and especially stop making all the cutting gestures. Seriously, ladies, what’s wrong with y’all?

It is finally revealed what amazing present Jenny bought for Max. What could it be when it has to come from devious Jenny while still being appropriate for a baby shower? How about a breast pump?

Jenny, really? Anyone surprised Mom-Dad doesn’t like the present? No one except maybe deviously crazy Schecter. And of course the whole thing sets the party off:

Jenny: “I understand that you identify as a man, but I think it’s important that as a parent you can’t be selfish for the child.”
Helena: “She’s uh – she’s giving life lessons now.”
Max (aka Mom-Dad): “It’s my own fucking choice if I breastfeed, okay?”
Helena: “Jenny, what do you know about any of this – bringing up kids, family. What do you know about that?”

Oh right. Haven’t we all forgotten by now that Helena is a double mommy? Thank you L Word writers for sending the kids to France with her Oscar-nominated ex, to never be heard from again.

Alice tries to alleviate the tension by giving a speech. A rather poignant speech with kudos to Bette and Tina for being awesome parents, jabs at Jenny stealing Alice’s treatment and Shane not being able to leave Jenny. Throughout the whole thing Max is having a panic attack, culminating in him kneeling before Bette and Tina and asking them to please adopt his baby.

He can’t handle them saying no and has a full on panic attack. Jamie steps in trying to take care of him, while Helena does what I would be doing – drinking.

Bette and Tina have an appointment with Joyce Wishnia. Any reason to get Jane Lynch on camera is reason enough for me. Especially when she is texting about her clients boring her to tears.

Getting rid of their boring adoption story line Joyce is eager to break the news of her recent engagement to Phyllis to the two.

As Bette and Tina are leaving we are privy to the reason for this scene. Apparently the birth mother being from Nevada is a problem since Nevada does not allow same sex couples to adopt. Thank heavens you ladies have Joyce, who really knows her law. Where could this possibly lead to? Is Mom-Dad still having a panic attack? For now Bette and Tina are planning on having the birthmother stay in their home, aka the construction site, and give birth to their future family addition in the state of California.

The three musketeers are crashing at Alice’s place after a major workout. Jamie is helping Tasha prepare for some police academy fitness stuff. Is there anything Jamie can’t do? Subtlety is apparently one thing she can’t do, mentioning she has to go home to take a shower before heading out to the restaurant with the other two thirds of the musketeers. Of course Alice and Tasha make her shower right here and now and of course Tasha has to walk in on her – and Jamie doesn’t really mind.

All of a sudden Tasha is rather hot for her girlfriend, who is a bit surprised given their guest is just in the other room. But who doesn’t like some afternoon delight with the possibility of being caught? Jamie hears them as she steps out of the shower, but has the decency to wait in the hallway until they’re done. Now it’s Tasha’s and Alice’s turn in the shower. Shame the camera won’t witness that the way we got to see Jamie shower. The Tasha-Alice one would have at least been hot and a lot more interesting.

Bette and Tina are returning to their construction site, I mean home, and we are introduced to their contractor – a woman. A rather dyke-ish looking woman, so I was really surprised when she talks about her boys looking good and saying she wouldn’t kick the “handsome fellow”, aka the architect, out of her bed. Bette and Tina share my surprise as I am sure does every single viewer and we are treated to another hilarious Bette-and-Tina-being-funny moment:

Bette: “Okay, I am so confused. Are you confused?”
Tina: “Oh I am very confused.”
Bette (whispering): “She’s a dyke, right?”
Tina: “I don’t know. She doesn’t know she’s a dyke.”
Bette: “That’s because she’s a yikes.”
Tina: “YIKES! He’s a handsome fellow…”

Bette imitates the contractor’s unique laugh and they both crack up. Why have these ladies not been given more fun stuff to do? They are hilarious!

Jenny drives Shane to her surprise.

Jenny: “This is your own photography studio.”

When did Shane start photography? Did I miss an entire episode? Jenny learned all the lingo, plastering the scene with “strobes”, “bounce” and “seamless”. Just for once I wish I had a girlfriend that would pamper me like that. But I would still say no to DC (deviously crazy) Jenny.

Let’s introduce the contractor to the lesbian couple she is working for. Tina is leaving for New York as the contractor is creeping up on Bette asking where her sister is going. Bette is confused about how her contractor knows Kit only to be totally surprised by her contractor thinking of Tina as her sister (they do look so much alike!). She gets that they are partners and that Tina is Angie’s other mommy, but she still thought they were sisters. Going with the whole shit-in-diapers-scenario from earlier is that what this lady has for a brain? How twisted do your mental wires have to be for thinking like that? This woman is clearly in denial, blocking anything gay out. Check out their conversation below:

Dyke-in-denial: “Is your sister going to New York?”
Bette: “My sister Kit?”
Dyke-in-denial: “I thought her name was Tina?”
Bette: “Tina is not my sister. Tina is my partner. She is Angelica’s other mother.”
Dyke-in-denial: “Well, yeah, I get that you’re partners, I just thought that you were sisters.”
Bette: “Nope.”
Dyke-in-denial: “Is she a Wentworth?”
Bette: “What? No. She’s a Kennard.”
Dyke-in-denial: “Then why is she going to New York? Isn’t she gonna be at your opening tomorrow? So I won’t see her then.”
Bette: “Are you going to the opening?”
Dyke-in-denial: “Yeah! I’m pumped. I hear that art openings are a great place to meet the fellows. And I am looking. I’ll see you tomorrow. ”
Bette: “See you tomorrow… I’m just confused.”

Aren’t we all. To make up for that let me post a pic.

Sunset Boulevard is spinning at Hit Club, while Helena is drowning her Dylan sorrow at her own bar. Kit has had enough and needs to vent to Sunset, who is finally realizing that Kit and Helena are not a couple. Those wigs must really sit tight around his precious little brain. Before Kit can affirm him of her sexual orientation Helena makes a scene on the dance floor.

Bette is at the gallery prepping everything just right for the grand opening later that day. Bette being Bette she has to do everything herself. No assistant will ever be able to adhere to the Bette Porter perfection standards. Her in a tight dress on a ladder gives Kelly a few things to think about. Probably not just her.

Bette gets a call from T. and a jealous look from K., Kelly. Sorry, some names are still mentioned in full. The apparent crisis Kelly uses to get Bette off the phone is about oysters. Bette is not amused and tells Kelly as much. Backtrack, Kelly. Backtrack ever so carefully or the Porter wrath will get you.

Bette: “…you got me off the phone with Tina to talk to me about Oysters?”
backtracking Kelly: “I’m sorry. I dunno – the call seemed like it wasn’t so important. It just looked like she was checking up on you.”
Bette: “No, we don’t do that to one another. We support each other.”
backtracking Kelly: “Well… then what’s up with tonight? I mean, I don’t think that’s very supportive.”
Bette: “She would be here if she could. She has business in New York.”
backtracking Kelly: “More important than being here for you?”
Bette: “Kelly, you know what? It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but Tina’s work is just as important to her as mine is to me. And that’s a good thing…. It’s good for our relationship, it’s good for our bank account.”
backtracking Kelly: “I’m surprised. I mean, I dunno, she struck me as your wife.”
Bette: “No, not a wife.”

Good to know Bette thinks this way now. She has come quite a way since Season One.

Alice and Tasha are greeted by Jamie’s dog at Jamie’s door that leads right into Jamie’s apartment. Why are we here? Didn’t Jamie shower at Alice’s place so she wouldn’t have to come all the way back to her place? Did I miss something? Guess the night-day-change was too subtle for me. Anyways, Jamie has to get dressed since she obviously didn’t know Alice and Tasha were coming over to pick her up. And that mirror is just by accident perfectly placed to give everyone in the apartment front row seats to her changing.

As if that isn’t obvious enough she walks out half-way dressed and asks Alice to help her. Cue irony. Zipping up your own dress, with the zipper being unreachable on the side, is really tough. Tasha doesn’t look too pleased watching the two.

At the grand opening Kit runs into Sunset Boulevard without his drag, Jenny spreads more venom in saying Bette and Kelly look like a couple only to top it all off with comparing eating an oyster to having a man come in her mouth just as Shane pops one in. Impeccable timing, Jenny.

The three musketeers walk in:

Alice: “Ahhh, looks like a giant cat threw up. What do you think?”
Tasha: “I don’t get it.”
Alice: “Well it’s art.”

Priceless.

Nicki arrives with her entourage. Shane needs to grab a hold of the priceless art to steady herself upon seeing Nicki.

“Hey sexy Shane” would probably throw anyone so it doesn’t really come as a surprise that Shane is more than happy to follow Nicki out to her car. Jenny, I guess you finally drover her over the edge.

Helena is still in her drinking stupor, Mama Kit is taking care of her and the line “love sucks, it really does” brings in your love interest. I have to remember that. Sunset out of his drag is still hitting on Kit and she still doesn’t know who he is. Are no-brain-characters really the only way to write certain story lines? Really, L Word writers? There are so many people looking for jobs, one would think the best would prevail. Apparently not.

Since I am writing down lines for future benefit I might as well write down this one to make sure I will never ever utter it:

Sunset Boulevard without drag: “…and I’d love nothing more than to take her home with me tonight, wake up in the morning with her arms and legs wrapped around me.”

All that gets you is the content of Kits champagne glass all over your face and shirt. No thank you.

Now it’s Jamie’s turn to call Bette and Kelly a couple. Only this time they are a power couple. Jenny stops her from going any further, asking whether they have seen Shane. Alice still holds her grudge: “Did somebody say something?” and Jamie points out that Jenny wears that she has been really damaged and that scares Jamie about having kids. That sparks a whole discussion about parents and how they treated their kids. Tasha and Jamie carry the conversation with Alice being only part of the audience.

Alice is surprised by what Tasha is telling them, pointing out that only through Jamie’s presence has she opened up.

Nicki and Shane are in Shane’s dark room, that Jenny bough for her. Since when is Shane into photography? I am still having a memory lapse here. Either it’s me or the L Word writers. The first photo revealed is of Molly.

But you can kiss that one good-bye right away since Shane vomits all over it after kissing Nicki. Bad oyster moment coming back up? Do we really have to crush this poor little girl even more? She does the only thing she can do – she leaves.

Bette is paying the babysitter as Kelly comes rushing in with a bottle of champagne. Bette knows it’s a bad idea but let’s Kelly in nevertheless.

Jenny is taking care of Shane who must have eaten a couple of bad oysters, continuously throwing up left, right and center. You have to hand it to Jenny, she does take care of the ones she loves.

Kelly is clearly drunk as she tells Bette what a success their grand opening was. Trying to “cash in on a little raincheck” she takes Bette’s hand and doesn’t let go. Bette tells her that “…that coupon… it expired like 15 years ago” but Kelly won’t have it and Bette has to forcefully push her away as she comes in for the lip lock. The only result is a smashed champagne glass on the floor. Or is it?

When Jenny sees Bette and Kelly the whole scene looks a bit different. Hmmm, I wonder who will be next in line to kill Jenny Schecter?